remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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