my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
