You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
