i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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