I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she told me i tasted like america
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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