Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
