Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
