tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
