brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
one two three fourrrrnication!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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