You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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