Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
