I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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