So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
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He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
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It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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