I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
