I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
