there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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