Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
