Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
