ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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