I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You've changed since you got that strap on
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
