Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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