We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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