phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
