Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just invented taco cereal.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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