Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
