Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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