i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
