Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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