My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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