I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
