I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
