My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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