he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
