i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
