Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize