There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
