i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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