I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
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Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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