I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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