Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
