why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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