Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
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That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
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I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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