oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
