The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just sent this text using only my big toe
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
