I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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