i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
