just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
