you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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