im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
