I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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