So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
