the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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