Michael Bay diarrhea
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
