If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
