my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
