Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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