I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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