and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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