Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
