Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
